Current state

I desired intensely for it. For a long time. I worked hard for it, towards it. I ignored a lot of things in life for it. Things that people my age were indulging in. Fun things .. but not me .. I had a goal, an objective, an intense desire. The sad thing was that it always eluded me. Sometimes the goal would flirt with me, come tantalizingly closer, but every time I thought I was getting closer to the goal, it would become very distant. Thus I spent years ..

Then one day, everything fell apart. Everything I believed in crumbled. I was not sure who I was anymore or what others meant to me or I to them ..

First, I was in shock .. disbelieving what had happened. How could it happen to me. The pain came later. Much later. Then agony. Intense agony. Then disinterest. Extreme disinterest. I did not care for people any more .. I was not a nice and warm person anymore. I was just disinterested and detached .. the world did not deserve any mercy or compassion. And neither did God. And in the middle of this, the desire that I had nurtured intensely for years slowly disappeared. But .. how could I live without an objective or desire? What would I live for?

In this phase of detachment, I lived like a robot. I smiled at people and joked with them, but inside I was never interested in anything. I went about my work and duties like a robot. Doing things because they were meant to be done. Without thinking. Just surviving and existing. What I ate did not matter, what I drank did not matter, how I did at work did not matter.

Initially the memories would come and cause much pain. But slowly they stopped .. the anger disappeared as well .. I was nothing no more. And I did not want to be anything anymore. At this point, I found a part deep within me that was always "unaffected". It had nothing to do with my desire or happiness or sorrow. It was both cold and warm. It was like a single ray of sunlight. Just there. Always there.

And then when I lost interest in everything .. things changed. They are still changing. Inside me. My body and my mind. Giving me some kind of strange peace from a well that always existed within me ..

.. I dont know how to say it .. I guess I just am not the same person anymore. I am just fulfilling my destiny.