Am conflicted
Am conflicted between faith and love .. and practicality.
If someone were to reject your love, how long must you continue to hope and keep trying before you can let go in the name of being "practical"?
My mind screams at me to be practical. So does my intellect. But my heart is not in my control. My heart believes strongly and loves immensely. It may get rejected a million times and will probably still not give up ... I shudder sometimes wondering what will happen to me eventually if I continue like this.
We are so powerless .. we are nothing .. and at the mercy of the universe. Choice is but an illusion. The seeds have been sown long ago .. now the question is how long should I wait. I don't have all life .. you see .. to stand and wait.
...
On another note, new moons always do this to me. Sigh.
posted by md @ 2:18 AM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Oh this is beautiful. Its a different you. A 'you' that I did not believe existed - you always sounded so austere and closer to God. Not to say that I like it if you are in pain, but I can now finally say I understand.
The only person I have truly loved tells me that love is about 'options'. How can that be?
One cannot choose to fall in love, or like someone. Its perhaps that fleeting second when things fall into place, when the seeds that always existed take the shape of love. And yet loving someone after that for a lifetime is always a choice.
I realise this is the purest I can be, I will ever be. Whether I get to be with this person or not is another matter, its the wordly aspect of this life. But I can still love, no matter what happens. I wont necessarily tell that person what I feel and essentially even run the risk of being cast aside one day or being perceived as someone who doesen't know how to love - since there so much emphasis on expression of love. But it doesen't matter. It just makes me a good person, when I love this individual.
wow...that was a long response na?
I hope I made some sense. In the normal world I will perhaps live a normal life, in my private world I can't stop loving this person - its a choice I have made and one I will never regret. :)
And oh I do understand the things the full moon does. I am one of those too :)
Oh and in case I have totally misunderstood you in thinking that you are talking about the normal 'love' that we feel...I'm sorry.
You could always be talking about loving 'God' but then He would not reject you. Oh Confusion.... ignore me.
Its the MOON :P
take care friend :)
Long, but very beautiful comment. Very articulately expressed. And I liked your statement "But I can still love, no matter what happens" .. there - I think you've got the whole "no expectation" thing down. Cool.
I think my thoughts about love are generic enough to be for both humans and God. In my case, I am talking about love for God, but targeted at a specific form that I love. Loving God is very challenging because God expresses his/her love very subtly and very rarely can it be experienced directly through the senses.
People like Meera Bai, the Gopis and so many other devotees went through an entire lifetime of longing for God and enduring the pain and obstacles that in spite of their devotion plagued their lives. Loving God and more importantly to feel being loved by God is infinitely harder than loving humans and feeling loved by them .. IMHO. And God does play with everyone, including those who love him .. sigh.
I would think I have different facets to me as would any other normal person. Sometimes these facets may be revealed .. especially around new and full moons ;)
In some way, I am glad I have experienced some pain because it gives me the ability to relate to other people's pain and empathize with them.
A long response to yours :) ..
ah then here's to hoping that you feel closer to God every day.
AMEN :)
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