Where to now?

Some choices in life are really hard to make. What is right? How can I make a decision that does not hurt anyone including myself? I wish my best friend were around to guide me. But it has been 136 days since he has left. Am I alone now? Will his tomb speak to me? Will his bones really speak to me, comfort me, guide me?

Why?

I came to you in so much agony. My heart was broken.

But your humility and simplicity and love melted me. You looked at me and knew me. You looked at me, stopped smiling .. and just looked.

I have nothing to give you. Then why .. why do you treat me like this?

Feb 22

Two years ago on Feb 22, a storm entered my life and shattered all my dreams and aspirations. I remember some of those moments very clearly. How can't I? It was in those moments that my heart was irreversibly broken.

I have changed so much since then. Transformed is the word I think. Far beyond I ever thought it possible for me.

Here's cheers to me for being a survivor. For facing so much inner and outer darkness and rising above chaos and confusion to reach for the heavens. Thank you ...

Chidaananda Rupam Shivoham Shivoham

Evaluation

Recently, I had a chance to think about why I am scared of exams so much. I prefer written exams to oral presentations because I can hide behind a sheet of paper in a written exam, whereas an oral exam or presentation may expose my fallacies and lack of erudition.

I realized that this fear has been within me since childhood - from the days my parents refused to sign my school report cards whenever I did not perform "satisfactorily" at school. I remember panicking whenever report cards were due and I had not stood first in the class, because that meant a lot of "drama" at home.

So, what did all this lead to? I started to lie about how I did at exams (I would tell my family members that I did really bad, so they would be happier when they finally saw the scores), I started to lie about how my friends at school did in their exams (focus on the weaknesses of those who did better than me), I started to "help and seek help" from my friends during exams (apparently, everyone did and it was fun .. that is how I consoled myself), I started "expressing" more interest in studies in front of my teachers so that they would be lenient towards me (arggh!! Yes, I buttered them up). And amid all this act due to unnecessary pressure and constant evaluation, I started becoming someone else. It was as if just being who I am was not enough anymore. Trying to measure up in someone else's eyes made me compromise on my own inner truth and integrity.

And it was not a one-time thing. Once I measured up to the expectations of those whose love I sought, it became increasingly harder to maintain that state. The result was I kept transforming from this simple honest child to an extremely clever, manipulative, smart student well-versed in several areas of secular education. But where were my moral values? Fear of disappointing my family made me become someone who I am really not. This in turn fed into my insecurities, fears, anxieties .. and it became a cyclic process. And it reached the stage where I wished I could drop everything and run away somewhere far where I would not be evaluated and put under the microscope.

I realize the world needs to evaluate people, but evaluation makes us become someone who we are not. Our beings are lost in becoming something else. We are always putting on masks trying to impress either the opposite gender or our teacher or our boss or our friends and relatives. We are always insecure about the things we will lose if our real natures were to be exposed to all these people.

For me, it has been a relief to finally understand where my insecurities and fears arise from. I have avoided introspecting on these issues for all my life, and now I feel better to finally have courageously faced them. I think, if my family had been more understanding, put less pressure on me, and taught me that there was no shame in failure as long as one tried hard, I would have been a stronger person. In fact, lack of failure in my childhood made me a weak person, because I was always afraid of failing.

But, things have thankfully changed in the last 2-3 years. I hit rock bottom in career and relationships, and learnt to deal with failure in almost every aspect of my life. And though it was hard to go through everything, I have become much stronger inside. I accept who I am and don't judge myself. The result is lack of expectation from the world, God, and even myself. This has culminated in a feeling of lack of guilt within me - and given me so much freedom.

I sincerely wish we could stop this insane "evaluation" we subject ourselves and others to, and instead just focus on being who we really are. Life would then be so much simpler and stress-free. And happier.

Running from Safety

So I have been reading Richard Bach's "Running from Safety". A very beautiful book indeed. This book is about what we would learn from and tell ourselves when we were 9 years old. In the book, Bach meets face-to-face with the 9-year child that he was and whom he locked away for several decades.

This prompted me to think of what I would tell today the 9-year old child I once was. What are the lessons I have learnt that I could pass on to my past?

This is what I came up with after considerable reflection. This is what I would tell my 9-year old self -

1. Don't let the pressures get to you. It is okay to fail. You will learn more out of being a failure than being a successful person. You will learn humility out of failure. You will become stronger with each failure. And you will learn not to judge others based on their successes or failures.

2. The friends you have today and think the world of, will be gone tomorrow. No, really. Your friendships will not last as long as you think they will. In fact, your parents are the only people in this world who will love you the most and even unconditionally.

3. The answer you have been searching for sub-conciously and unconciously will be answered very soon. It will change your life. For ever. And it will be a bumpy but sweet ride.

4. Very soon, you will also fall in love. And realize that a life without love is incomplete. You will probably grin and smirk at this, but it will catch you unawares, so I want you to enjoy every moment of it.

5. No matter what happens, it is going to be okay. You will survive. You will do fine.

Yagna

It feels like drops of water are falling on the top of my head ... just like it can be seen in Indian temples where water falls on a lingam from a pot hanging over the lingam.

I close my eyes and use my mind's eye to search for recognizable faces. I see none. I just see and smell smoke emanating from the sacrificial fire pits. And the sound of chants. I see myself seated in front of one of the pits. My eyes are watery from the smoke but still focused on the sacrificial fire.

I feel life is one big yagna like this - keep offering everything I have to it, and accept whatever it offers in return whether it be the smoke or heat.

Perhaps ..

Would I drop everything today and return to Him immediately upon His slightest indication? I know I would have .. even 3-4 years ago. But would I, now? Or am I too attached now? Or love Him less? Does He still have that power over me after all these years and all this distance?

I wonder what I would do if I see Him at an intersection. Back, in the old days, I would have just rushed up to Him. But now, I will only look .. perhaps our eyes will meet .. and even though my heart would be beating fast, I would slowly turn my head and walk away quietly. I would know it to be an illusion and I would be tired of such illusions.

Perhaps in my journey of life and self-discovery, I have lost the one that I loved the most. Perhaps I am afraid to love, as I once did, knowing it could hurt terribly. Perhaps, I am afraid to trust anyone, as I once innocently did. Perhaps, I would like to be a 2-year old child inside and stay like that forever, but perhaps it is not the wisest thing to do.

My feet are weary, face is dusty, eyes are swollen with unshed tears .. but I know that as long as I can take the next step with a bent head, I will have a purpose that I can fulfill - to keep walking on the road to an unknown destination.

The beauty of all this is that I know He knows .. if this is love, His love is the strangest.