Recently, I had a chance to think about why I am scared of exams so much. I prefer written exams to oral presentations because I can hide behind a sheet of paper in a written exam, whereas an oral exam or presentation may expose my fallacies and lack of erudition.
I realized that this fear has been within me since childhood - from the days my parents refused to sign my school report cards whenever I did not perform "satisfactorily" at school. I remember panicking whenever report cards were due and I had not stood first in the class, because that meant a lot of "drama" at home.
So, what did all this lead to? I started to lie about how I did at exams (I would tell my family members that I did really bad, so they would be happier when they finally saw the scores), I started to lie about how my friends at school did in their exams (focus on the weaknesses of those who did better than me), I started to "help and seek help" from my friends during exams (apparently, everyone did and it was fun .. that is how I consoled myself), I started "expressing" more interest in studies in front of my teachers so that they would be lenient towards me (arggh!! Yes, I buttered them up). And amid all this act due to unnecessary pressure and constant evaluation, I started becoming someone else. It was as if just being who I am was not enough anymore. Trying to measure up in someone else's eyes made me compromise on my own inner truth and integrity.
And it was not a one-time thing. Once I measured up to the expectations of those whose love I sought, it became increasingly harder to maintain that state. The result was I kept transforming from this simple honest child to an extremely clever, manipulative, smart student well-versed in several areas of secular education. But where were my moral values? Fear of disappointing my family made me become someone who I am really not. This in turn fed into my insecurities, fears, anxieties .. and it became a cyclic process. And it reached the stage where I wished I could drop everything and run away somewhere far where I would not be evaluated and put under the microscope.
I realize the world needs to evaluate people, but evaluation makes us become someone who we are not. Our beings are lost in becoming something else. We are always putting on masks trying to impress either the opposite gender or our teacher or our boss or our friends and relatives. We are always insecure about the things we will lose if our real natures were to be exposed to all these people.
For me, it has been a relief to finally understand where my insecurities and fears arise from. I have avoided introspecting on these issues for all my life, and now I feel better to finally have courageously faced them. I think, if my family had been more understanding, put less pressure on me, and taught me that there was no shame in failure as long as one tried hard, I would have been a stronger person. In fact, lack of failure in my childhood made me a weak person, because I was always afraid of failing.
But, things have thankfully changed in the last 2-3 years. I hit rock bottom in career and relationships, and learnt to deal with failure in almost every aspect of my life. And though it was hard to go through everything, I have become much stronger inside. I accept who I am and don't judge myself. The result is lack of expectation from the world, God, and even myself. This has culminated in a feeling of lack of guilt within me - and given me so much freedom.
I sincerely wish we could stop this insane "evaluation" we subject ourselves and others to, and instead just focus on being who we really are. Life would then be so much simpler and stress-free. And happier.
