Life lessons

Today morning, memories of the past returned with a vengeance. It is a perfect morning, cold, cloudy and while I would have loved to be cheerful and happy, past insults and humiliations endured kept tormenting me. I tried to remind myself that it was not the people but my own mind that was now tormenting me.

All I can do is to pray for divine help with fixing my mind. God alone can help control this deluge of negative thoughts. Thoughts of feeling worthless, incomplete, dissatisfied, insecurity, envy .. how can I overcome these countless thoughts?

Then .. a small inner voice told me that I should be thankful and grateful to life for providing these experiences. For the earth is a classroom and we are all here to learn. If we have an easy uneventful life, we probably would not learn anything. It is the painful experiences that teach us everyday. I intuitively feel that these experiences are the real gift of life.

Life tests us almost every other moment. Even 2 seconds before our death, we will be tested for what we have learnt in life. Sometimes I lose this clarifying perspective ... that is when the mental troubles start.

I just want to sit and wait and watch.

Guru Paduka

Early cloudy morning. It is dawn. The street is lined with tall huge overlapping trees on both sides that have formed a canopy over the street. It had been raining earlier, so drops of water were trickling down from the leaves.

As I wait in the car, I realize that this a momentous day in my life. The Guru Paduka stotram that the music system is playing along with the weather casts a very sombre effect on me. I sit gazing at nothing in particular.

Just waiting for her to come out .. I know she knows every thought that enters my mind. I just sit and watch the thoughts pass by. Without judging myself. Without being harsh on myself. Just observing myself. In the presence of my self and the beautiful music. Thrilling sensations travel up and down my body.

When I see her in the distance coming out of the front door towards the gate. She is looking down to make sure that her feet do not slip in the aftermath of the rain. Then she looks up in the direction of my parked car, and our eyes meet for a second. Then she looks down again and continues walking towards me.

She approaches, says "good morning son" and enters the car.

What more could have one asked for?

Namo namah Shri Guru Padukaabhyaam ..

Jasmine flower

It has been 2 weeks since my last post. So much has happened.

I love divine mother Shri Karunamayi. She is the sweetest and softest person I have ever met in my life. And since she entered my life 5 years ago, my life has changed .. not in any earth-shattering way, but gradually. She reminds me a lot of my mom.

A vision I had with her a few months ago -

The morning sun was shining down upon us. I followed her quietly into the garden. She reached out her hand, plucked a jasmine flower, turned around and held it out to me. As I looked upon at the scene unfolding before my eyes, I could not decide which was more beautiful. The jasmine flower slightly moist because of the overnight dew or her beautiful, calm, divine and blissful face. Then as I accepted the flower from her, she explained "this flower I am giving you today is not ordinary. It is a heavenly flower ..." She then paused and continued "Let your heart be ever-moist with love like this jasmine flower. May your heart be always pure like the natural whiteness of this jasmine flower. May your heart in its compassion be as tender as the petals of this flower. And may your heart be filled with such devotion that it becomes worthy of being offered in worship to the Lord."

Abheri

I was working when my music system started playing the Abheri raga. It is Shankar on the violin. How am I supposed to work with such soulful music playing ..

Music takes me to different worlds .. and I find myself drifting now. Into memories.

Visions of tall huge mountains, their tops covered with mist, lured me since I was a child. I knew it was my destiny and goal. That vision stirred me deep within. Even today when I close my eyes, I can feel these mountains just a little distance away. They are still the same way - pristine, pure and eternal. Always beckoning.

Visions of meeting the love of my life. Caressing his cheeks softly. Playing with his curls. Gazing into his eyes that playfully hide the immense love he has for me. Lightly touching his lovely feet. Bathing those precious feet with hot tears .. long withheld tears of agony and relief. Standing still with him, hand in hand, each feeling the love that the other has for him. Paying careful attention to his every gesture and word. Offering the flower of my heart to him. Always.

Visions of standing alone waiting while the rest of life and world rushes by in a frenzy. Tears flowing down my face, a repentance for the ignorance that has separated me from myself.

Culminating in a plea made to the skies one sunny afternoon several years ago in Bangalore .. a plea for a drop of compassion, for a little bit of wisdom to make this life worthwhile ..

.. all while Shankar weaves intricate magic on his violin.

Wet Wet Wet

A couple days ago I saw the movie "Love Actually". The movie uses an adaptation of the famous song "Love is All Around" by Wet Wet Wet. As I heard this song, my eyes closed and my mind flashed back to a very vivid memory ..

It was about 9 years ago. 4 of us. All dressed in black. Covered from head to toe in warm clothing. It was about zero degrees in Pilani. Around 2.00 am. We were walking back to our hostel after a late night out.

When I started humming softly "I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes" from Love is All Around. And seconds later, everyone had joined in. Even the Hindi film music-loving Shailly who claimed he did not like English songs :) ..

We were all singing the same song in our own ways but what was important was that we were singing together. And as our voices broke the silence of the cold night, I felt a surge of happiness within me. Neither the cold nor the desolateness of the hour nor the threat of exams could dent our enthusiasm.

Today, we are all in different countries. In different careers. All married except for me. So much has transpired in these years .. I have changed so much and I am sure they have also. Yet that memory of the 4 of us singing together that night is very fresh in my memory.

This post is dedicated to them - Shailly Dua, Chandarhass Banotra, and Sanjeev Chopra. To their indomitable spirit which always inspired me. May life bless them with happiness and success.

I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
Love is all around me
And so the feeling grows
It’s written on the wind
It’s everywhere I go, oh yes it is
So if you really love me
Come on and let it show
You know I love you I always will
My mind’s made up by the way that I feel
There’s no beginning
There’ll be no end
‘Cause on my love
You can depend ..

To my sister

Don't let this silence between us fool you
Don't let this crowd between us blind you
Don't let my empty hands disillusion you
Don't let my inexpressiveness bother you;
For they merely hide from you
my intense and pure affection for you
And unbeknownst to you
My unblinking eye from afar is always upon you ..
while you are asleep in the sun
or awake in the rain
laughing in joy
or crying alone in pain