Pain shots

Its friday afternoon, and instead of working, my mind is thinking of this past week, past month, past year, and this life.

Yesterday, someone shared a beautiful story with me. A small child loves its mother a lot. It has complete trust in its mother. Yet, the mother takes the child to the hospital to give it a shot. After getting the shot, the child is terrified of the man in white who administered the painful shot. The child does not know what the shot was for or why it was necessary to receive the shot. All it knows that it trusts its mother, and for some inexplicable reason its most loving mother took the child to the horrible man who caused it a lot of pain.

We all undergo this. I have too. God is our wonderful loving mother who gives us painful experiences for our own good. The same God who like a mother prepares delicious sweets and feeds us, also has to send painful experiences our way for our own good. What good? And is it necessary to undergo all this pain? The good is not visible to us at the outset. It may take days, months or even years to realize what good came out of the painful experience. Sigh.

It is very hard though to be undergoing pain and not realizing why we are undergoing it. How can we just have faith and attribute the pain as good for us? That is where we need true perspective - a perspective different from the mind's. We may look at others around us and think that they are so happy and have no pain. That may be true, but it is only a matter of time. They may be eating sweet delicious sweets now but their painful shots are also around the corner. We should not gloat about this. Instead the point is that we should not compare ourselves to others because they are all at different points in their lives.

Mind as radio?

I was sitting trying to meditate, trying to focus inward, when I heard someone softly calling me by my name. I recognized the voice and thought she, my friend, was calling me. So I opened my eyes and since I had been deeply concentrating, it took me a few seconds to adjust my eyes to the light and to the environment around me. It was chaotic .. there were thousands of people gathered in one hall, and I had been sitting in an obscure corner by myself. I looked around for her, but could not see her anywhere. Weird, I thought .. I was pretty sure I heard her voice distinctly calling me .. maybe it was just an illusion. I closed my eyes and started meditating again.

About 3 minutes later, I was aroused by somone tapping me on my shoulder. It was my friend's husband. He told me that they had just arrived and he had been looking for me in order to give me something. I asked him how long ago had he and his wife arrived. He replied "less than 5 minutes ago. Why?"

What could I tell him? That around the time that he and his wife had entered the room, I had heard her voice calling me? That this was not a stand-alone incident and I had had experienced this a few times earlier as well with other people? That when people thought intensely of me, I would be able to perceive their call in some way?

Instead, I just shrugged and smiled. Ignoring his question, I turned the conversation to different matters.

Sometimes I think the human mind is both a radio transmitter and receiver. And depending upon the clarity and tranquility of the mind, the mind can pick up thought waves, especially if the transmitted thought waves have a large amplitude (intense thought). Scientists will shudder at my hypothesis, and while I dont have scientific proof to validate this, I have had enough empirical evidence to support this phenomenon. Sigh. How little do humans know!!

She is an experience!!

I feel like writing something. Maybe I will write about last week. Some lessons learnt. Some experiences.

To be in love is a great feeling. To receive pure love in return is even more gratifying and fulfilling. Even more so when it was not expected in the first place. I went to her with very little expectation .. but in retrospect I feel like she treated me like a son and a king at the same time. She gave me so much love as a mother. Yet at the same time gave me so much attention. It was incredible. I could not believe I deserved so much.

She tried to speak to me, but I could only mumble in return. You see, I was not expecting to have a conversation with her. So I did not know what to say in return. All I could was to express my heart-felt gratitude for every thing. And be amazed at every experience. So many inner experiences. Feeling her energy that is the cause of creation and beauty. Feeling her inner silence that is the substratum of this creation.

And her sense of timing. I always found myself at the right place at the right time for the right event. The right people would find me and allot me the right jobs. It is just unbelievable. All I did was to let myself be guided by an inner force and I was in tune.

I do miss her now that she is gone, but some of her memories are very clear in my mind. To sum up - Ammachi is not a person, she is an experience that everyone must experience at least once.

Her

There is something healing about the album "Water Down the Ganges". As soon as I hear the sound of flowing water at the beginning of some of the tracks, it instantly calms my mind and relieves all stress.

How do I describe this? I don't have a great flair for writing or poetry as other people do. So my descriptions sometimes fail to exactly convey what I want to express.

Today, I played the tabla for our bhajan program in front of Mata Amritandamayi. And I sang a hastily-practiced last minute bhajan as well, which a lot of people appreciated. Though I did not have an intense desire to sing in front of Her, I was still very joyous later on to have successfully seen the end of this endeavor. We had been practicing for months but most importantly dealing with frictions resulting from interaction with each other. And my task was that of the coordinator. Not an easy job at all. While I understand guys pretty well in general, I find it hard to relate to girls. And it was no different even in this case. But I think it all came together well today. Sigh. Am relieved now.

Later on, as She was walking back after Her program, I was fortunate to get a chance to talk to Her for a second. And I expressed my "ananda" .. for truly I felt very happy. And I got a wide smile and a pat on the cheek in return :). And then She placed Her hand in my hands .. and She kept them placed there for several moments and then slowly She started to go ahead. That is when I brought Her hand to my lips and kissed Her hand!! It was impulsive and seemed the most natural thing in the world to do. And then She slowly removed Her hand from mine. Aah it was such a beautiful moment.

The similarity is uncanny. She reminds me of Him. So much. I hope my kiss reaches Him ... if it did, then all that I have truly wanted in this life was fulfilled today. No regrets anymore.

Him and me

I gave so much and so much love to them. Yet, one day, they forgot me. And forgot the good things I told them .... it was only for their own good. I just wanted them to be happy. And yes, I wanted a little bit of their love in return. Was it too much to expect in return for all that I was doing?

I thought I was alone undergoing these emotions. I thought no one else other than me was going through this.

Then, one day I saw Him looking at the sky with a far-away look on His face. He seemed as if He was missing someone or someone's love. I realized He gives more love than I did. He does more than I did. Far more. He loves unconditionally .... but yet He is very alone. He does not want anything in return for His love, but He delights in any love that He may receive. But His children mostly forget Him.

And I was filled with compassion at Him. I think I now know what He feels like ..

O my dearest one, my love may not mean much to You. I may be very insignificant and tiny and may be of little use to You. But all that I have is Yours. This heart of mine is Yours. This impure drop of love is Yours. And you can count on it every moment. As long as there is breath in this body, it will only love You and serve You. Please accept this small offering. All I seek is Your happiness and love. And I will do the best i can .. for You.

Come my love, let us walk away together. My shoulders are young and firm, and they will support You until there is strength in them. This voice will entertain You until it dies. These eyes will adore You until they go blind. These limbs will walk with You until they falter.

You are mine and I am Yours ..

His Feet

His feet felt cool. Cooler than I had imagined they would be. And soft. I was lightly pressing those feet. Everybody struggles. For different things. i had struggled to reach this point. It was only for a few seconds, but it quenched the lifetimes-old thirst of this soul. Then I leaned over and placed my forehead on those beautiful feet. I lay there several seconds just enjoying the fulfillment of that strange thirst. Time stopped for those seconds. It felt forever, but must have been only 10 seconds. A life had changed in those seconds. A being had been transformed. There were just two of us there in that moment - Him and me. I, a child, and He, my everything. Those lovely soft feet and me. And the robe around His ankles that my fingers were feeling. And then I heard Him lovingly and lyrically say to me "dont sleep on my feet". So much love in that voice. I left those precious feet and looked up to see Him looking at me. Then He moved on .. and I was left with the most precious memory of this lifetime. That of touching His feet and hearing those loving words. Oh what would I not do to experience that again!! My life is His.

Reminds me of the following beautiful song -

Tera pyaar paakar
gamon ko mitaakar
yeh kehta hain dil baar baar
jahan bhi rahenge
tumhaare rahenge

hazaaron mein tum ek ho
laakhon mein tum ek ho
bahaaron mein tum hi to ho
har nazaaron mein tum hi to ho

tumhe raat din chaahenge hum
badalte har mausam mein chaahenge hum
agar praan de hum
tumhe jaan de hum
ho qurbaan tujh pe
to phir bhi hain kam ..
ke dil bhi hain tera
ke jaan bhi hain teri
tumhi se humko pyaaar ...

Tera pyaar paakar
gamon ko mitaakar
yeh kehta hain dil baar baar
jahan bhi rahenge
tumhaare rahenge ..

Anubhav

A few years ago, while I was walking towards the school foodcourt to have lunch, an Asian-American guy approached me along with his female friend. He was from some church. He started to talk .. he wanted to convince me that only through Jesus could I reach the Kingdom of Heaven.

It was not the first time that somebody had talked to me about this. And it was not the last. I also found out that other Indian students on campus were also frequently targeted by these churches.

If the path proclaimed by Jesus is so great and the Church is the only place where I can find God, why does the Church need to target people?

It turns out that churches in the US are facing an acute shortage of young people at their churches. So they have started to target people in order to convince them to attend their churches. But why target Indian students? Because (a) Indians apparently do NOT know that God can be reached only by following the path set by Jesus, and (b) a lot of Indians on campus are FOB (fresh off the board from India) and that vulnerability can be exploited.

To come back to the point, this guy and his friend tried very hard to make me understand why I should forget Hinduism and join the church. After nodding for several minutes, I finally ventured a question "If you have been following Jesus faithfully all these years, you must have had some inner experience? Can you please share some of your experiences?" I wish I had a camera with me .. to take a picture of the guy's face. And then I had my revenge. For I spoke continuously on spirituality and inner experiences for 15 minutes, trying to make him understand that convincing other people to join the church was not going to win him a place in Heaven or win favor from God. I also tried to convince him that Hinduism and Christianity were very similar as far as the teachings were concerned. I don't know if I succeeded, but I do know that he left hurriedly.

Anubhav is the key to everything. When one has true anubhav, words are unnecessary, expression is unnecessary. Anubhav cannot be given .. it has to be experienced by oneself. I cannot make someone else experience the taste of a delicious mango by merely describing its color and form .. it has to be tasted in order to have a true understanding and experience of its sweetness.

The Rose

When I tried to use it, I found it to be very delicate;
It could be easily broken, and
It took a long time to heal as well
So I kept it hidden deep inside
It remained in darkness for a long time
Covered by the layers of ignorance, doubt and fear ..

Then one day I thought of giving it to Him ..

It was a delicate rose
It was not the purest or the loveliest of them all
And I was struck with hesitation and apprehension
What chance had my rose against the other perfect ones?
Would this rose, broken multiple times, be accepted at all?
Would this rose, tainted by ego and ignorance, be considered pure?
Or .. or would it be merely accepted and thrown away
to be trampled under the feet of another?

But I decided to offer it to Him anyway ..
at least I could try.
When He came close, I held it out to Him
And ignoring the other beautiful perfect flowers being offered
He leaned towards me, beckoned me closer,
And lovingly took my rose from me.

And in front of my eyes, He transformed it
Into a brilliant crystal
That multiplied the sun's rays entering into
A myriad of sparkling colored rays

And as I wondered if it was really my flower that was shining so brightly,
He lovingly responded that unknown to me He had been using
every experience in life to transform the flower of my heart into
this!! This delightful blazing diamond.

His delightful blazing diamond.

Am conflicted

Am conflicted between faith and love .. and practicality.

If someone were to reject your love, how long must you continue to hope and keep trying before you can let go in the name of being "practical"?

My mind screams at me to be practical. So does my intellect. But my heart is not in my control. My heart believes strongly and loves immensely. It may get rejected a million times and will probably still not give up ... I shudder sometimes wondering what will happen to me eventually if I continue like this.

We are so powerless .. we are nothing .. and at the mercy of the universe. Choice is but an illusion. The seeds have been sown long ago .. now the question is how long should I wait. I don't have all life .. you see .. to stand and wait.

...

On another note, new moons always do this to me. Sigh.

Current state

I desired intensely for it. For a long time. I worked hard for it, towards it. I ignored a lot of things in life for it. Things that people my age were indulging in. Fun things .. but not me .. I had a goal, an objective, an intense desire. The sad thing was that it always eluded me. Sometimes the goal would flirt with me, come tantalizingly closer, but every time I thought I was getting closer to the goal, it would become very distant. Thus I spent years ..

Then one day, everything fell apart. Everything I believed in crumbled. I was not sure who I was anymore or what others meant to me or I to them ..

First, I was in shock .. disbelieving what had happened. How could it happen to me. The pain came later. Much later. Then agony. Intense agony. Then disinterest. Extreme disinterest. I did not care for people any more .. I was not a nice and warm person anymore. I was just disinterested and detached .. the world did not deserve any mercy or compassion. And neither did God. And in the middle of this, the desire that I had nurtured intensely for years slowly disappeared. But .. how could I live without an objective or desire? What would I live for?

In this phase of detachment, I lived like a robot. I smiled at people and joked with them, but inside I was never interested in anything. I went about my work and duties like a robot. Doing things because they were meant to be done. Without thinking. Just surviving and existing. What I ate did not matter, what I drank did not matter, how I did at work did not matter.

Initially the memories would come and cause much pain. But slowly they stopped .. the anger disappeared as well .. I was nothing no more. And I did not want to be anything anymore. At this point, I found a part deep within me that was always "unaffected". It had nothing to do with my desire or happiness or sorrow. It was both cold and warm. It was like a single ray of sunlight. Just there. Always there.

And then when I lost interest in everything .. things changed. They are still changing. Inside me. My body and my mind. Giving me some kind of strange peace from a well that always existed within me ..

.. I dont know how to say it .. I guess I just am not the same person anymore. I am just fulfilling my destiny.